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I see you each morning, but you just walk past me, you donapos;t even know that I exist..



life sucks.. Iapos;m not sure that this is some type of revelation, because I always knew it.. Nothing has ever really gone as it was intended for me.. Iapos;ve had to fight and claw my way to get to the position I am in now and do I really have anything to show for it?



I certainly canapos;t look at it that way.. As I have certainly touched the lives of others.. I am one of the few people who works in big-box retail that genuinely cares about his customers.. I canapos;t count how many people who rely on me to make their Christmases each year.. And I absolutely love what I do, how many other people can say they get paid to play with toys all day long? but the countless thankyous and appreciation only go so far.. And I am absolutely sounding selfish right at this moment.. No question about that.. Because said job doesnapos;t really pay the bills all that well, and they have passed me over for promotions I donapos;t know how many times for people who not only didnapos;t deserve it, and lacked experience, but who were asked to go to me for training Will I ever understand? probably not.. I would NEVER overlook the opinions/thoughts/feelings of my key employees when making a decision that involves someones future.. They are the people you rely on, day in, day out.. They can make or break you...



That wasnapos;t even the direction I was going with this post.. I was sitting home yesterday, after working all day, passing out because thatapos;s all I do lately, and waking up in time to see that I missed all of the days sunlight again.. Started watching TV as I usually do.. (no motivation to actually do anything productive.. Drives me freaking nuts..) and I donapos;t know why.. But the show seriously made me start to cry.. Saying that it was on Nickelodeon is bad enough.. Iapos;m not going to tell you which..



It made me realize that my life sucks.. All I do is go to work and sleep.. And what do I have to show for it? I canapos;t afford a new computer.. Hell I canapos;t afford a video game.. All money goes towards bills because my family would be living on the sidewalk otherwise.. No savings.. No friends because of my horrible past life (which I probably will never go into..) and no way to get out (I canapos;t quit.. I need the money.. I canapos;t go get another job.. Not only do I lack the time/motivation, I feel awful even thinking about leaving my current job because of the amount of people that I know will be harder off because of it (customers and employees combined..)



I canapos;t do this for much longer.. Iapos;m going to lose my mind.. (Do I even have one to begin with?)



If I were ever to get another job it would have to be something I enjoy.. Something I really want to do.. And I know what I want.. But I also know itapos;s not possible..



Being an extra in a movie was one of the most exciting things Iapos;ve ever done in my life.. I couldnapos;t do that day in/day out, but to be involved with something that big, that touches that many people was simply amazing (plus the bragging rights arenapos;t bad)


Disney is the most magical place on earth.. No questions.. I feel that I could contribute soo much to that organization.. Why is it so far away?



looking at the list of apos;things to buy when I become a multi-billionaireapos; itapos;s a lot of things for a lot of other people.. All those other people.. Why then, sitting here now do I feel so alone?


and if and when I do become a multi-billionaire I will most certainly hold true to my word, but itapos;s going to be getting there thatapos;s the struggle..



at this very moment.. I feel like my life thusfar has been wasted..



and, because I canapos;t think of my usual song lyric/random quote to close this miserable post.. I will leave you with this..



I think love is only true in faerie tales, made for someone else and not for me. Love is out to get me. Thatapos;s the way it seems. Disappointment haunting all my dreams..

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Some medicine that I am taking is making me really zoned out. Kind of dizzy. And, do florescent lights make you sleepy? Because every time I am in this room, where I have Evidence and Con Law, I get so exhausted. And people think that a person like me, who slept 11 hours last night, dozed through Evidence, and is probably going to take a nap when he or she gets home, they think this person is lazy. But Iapos;m not lazy at all, Iapos;m just tired Itapos;s my body that is lazy. My body is like, "I have done way too much in keeping you alive today. I need to take a break." And then it shuts down during Evidence.

I know I havenapos;t had much class lately, so I really shouldnapos;t be complaining about not having enough sleep. I also understand that I need like 13 hours a night to function, and the only place I could get away with a sleep schedule like that is in....yeah I donapos;t know ANYWHERE where I could get away with that. Oh, maybe if I was a cat.

I imagine that BLT wonders why I sleep on the floor every night. He wishes he could ask me, but he doesnapos;t know how to communicate with me. I also believe that he is Hindu and believes in reincarnation. So he tries to be really good so he can come back as a person or, I guess, a cow. A cow Thatapos;s how I could sleep 13 hours a night, I bet But Iapos;d always have to worry about someone tipping me over while I was dozing.
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